Suspended in a space that is not familiar. Writhing in a frozen state. From above bodies look less contorted than they felt. That is surely what the mind does: contortion. Watching the walls as the colour drains away, like water down a drain - but does not pirouette as gracefully. Not even there enough to ask if that was night or me?
Debar the stars from a sky once so clear. Now is forbidden.
Hear what the weather has to say. When it is sad it rains, or sunny for happiness. Simply displayed child emotions. Reverse that, rain for pain and sun for vengance. Though it is such a strange suggestion to see through. Children keep secrets, and often too well. The change of subject was mundane in itself. So too, the days will be to pass.
Not ready. Not ready.
It is all so dark, but the sun beams come through the curtains. Spiralling light hits the bed and refuses to leave the floundered and pleading. Then the water refuses to offer amity and instead reminds you of the old intimacy, where it drowned your skin in silky warmth too good to give up. Buried secrets. Pacts broken, as you start to remember.
You once said you saw me. Now I'm not so sure.
The written word is something so continually powerful. Impossible to understand how something so damning can be so beautiful and those so gentle hide such terrible sadness. Much has changed over the past two years. Though not much gets said, as truthfully as maybe it should be, what appears here is sometimes healing. It's a promise to you, who is here now, that I will not shy from this place totally. So when distance is great or nothing makes sense: I love you.
This is an extract from one of my written diaries, I think it was about all of you:
"I should tell you one thousand times over: of something warm and wonderfully light. That should sit in your chest and fill you with joy. That didn't need a specific day or time of year. It could fill more space than you could see, as each room you'd enter would fill so quickly and silently, unknowing to untided and excited feeling. What a surprise that should be. May I once hope to fill this in your mind and heart, but shall I be too far away by metaphoric distance to really fulfill that promise. Should this happen you can remember of all things mentioned by those who really do exhibit kindness from their being, and you should always remember these people over time, as they probably will never stop loving you."
Very shaken still.