Thursday, 3 September 2015

Keep No Score

Many a check point is crossed off during time apart and away. Visiting new and unusual places, full of excitement and a longing ache in heart. You are always on my mind. There are so many sights I know you'd have loved to see, but why speak in past tense? You'll see them, unlikely at this point with me. Blinding determination says otherwise, and who's to argue with a heart that doesn't know any better than to stick by what it truly believes in. Optimism? Deep set beliefs? We're not ones for crushing hopes and dreams after all. Right? The reality hits on the daily, but it is not enough to deter hope, to smite out wishing. It is not for others to determine the thoughts and feelings of one individual, but remember that it can be their place to step in and be your guide. "When all lights are out." Until you cannot see your hands in front of your face, feel the pain in your feet from walking along this seemingly never ending path - they urge you, you dig deep into your resolve, and you keep walking. It's taken me this long to realise that the direction doesn't matter, because though you can retrace old steps, you aren't re-walking them. Not really. You are a different, experienced walker now in comparison to then. You step over rocks that previously tripped you, you fall into rabbit holes you previously sidestepped, you find a beautiful bloom to gaze upon and find new terrains to conquer. Even though it is that same path. The thudding heart drum beat kicks in now and you plod along rhythmically to it. Progress. Now what next? I promise you that you meet some of the same faces and catch the attention of other, entirely new ones. Scars, pimples, dimples, and smirkers alike. The self awareness makes things lighter. Enables you to see, don't be too obvious about it being in the traditional sense. We do not receive trophy achievements in life for playing the game by the great designer's rules. Too much mess, too many people pulling out the 'life is so unfair' card for that to be a truth. Instead, prepare for the ceremony well. Keep yourself "healthy", they say. Not necessarily the big reality when life and mental health have differing ideals on how existence works. Breaking hearts to keep safety is an under contested subject, though I am unsure if I could objective contribute to the debate. We're the unsure poster children belonging to a generation that is one challenge after the next. Drag your warpainted fingers cross your cheeks and set your grimace ready to face what uncertainties await you. Only those (blindly, misguidedly) clever among us seem to truly believe you can plan mystery and practise presenting futures. Perhaps that is their determination showing.

Will it take a map to help us trace our steps together again?
There are jobs to be done, tasks to be fulfilled. Truths to be told.

This "pause" feels like a giant intake and held breath.
Having not yet become blue in the face, I look to the day when I get to exhale. 
How I wish you were around.

Oh wonderful one,
We will be okay.