Thursday, 12 December 2013

A Foot in the Door

Something plaguing me.

Picking away at my mind. Eating and gnawing, licking any little crumbs away. Makes the smoke look merciful as tingling skin and hazed thoughts are soft and relaxing. Unlike the crispness of the attitudes we wade in the colder north. A chill in the air. Runs down my spine. I am constantly falling in walking, I see it all the time. One step forward is the hardest meeting for the pavement to soft steps.

In darker times, I believed the world around me formed in a way that scared me. That when I turned my back nothing would exist. But I could never catch it out, for it was always two steps ahead. Turn around; the floor, ceiling, stairs, wallpaper, paint, door handles, marble fireplace, rug just off centre, carpet dirty cream, book hanging off the desk's edge, cup half empty but still warm, candle burning - room hazy glow, untidy magazine rack that wasn't filled with magazines, flowers past their beauty's best but still so lovely to me. They were all in view. Turn around the door before me all I see, but behind gone - fallen away. Anticipate every move. Can't outwit it. Only in dreams that continue seconds after waking, do we catch a glimpse of this hidden law. It was scary, but also okay. I didn't question it, it was accepted and that was all I knew.

That I walk on a gravity that colouring in with texture, shade, tone, definition and detail - all before I should notice or be aware. So noted when travelling as the ability to see the beautiful lines revealing laughter and the twinkle in your eyes, even the curves of lips (hidden by those disastrous frowns, you'd only need look up to catch a smile from across the space-time compression in which you experience, ever in past). This ability, it fades. More than fades, it is sudden. Snap of fingers, it is different. A something change. As I panic at not seeing it, those faces - all the   


I've always been a fan of theoretical conceptualisation. Area of interest. Research and study. I should theorise that I never used to feel like I had much to lose, so very selfish in that respect. So unthoughtful. Study those beautiful minds.

And now the fear sets in. For I consider it further and I wonder, does my love disappear in that moment? Not in heart, for there it shall live so cosily and happily from now. But that those I treasure disappear in their entirety and that I need think them constantly back to being. Do I disappear when not in their view? I should never want to lose all this. And so this construction leaves me fearful and I need constantly reminding. Til I can settle this howling. A pain that I quiet with soothing words and gentle, lilting melody. I should choose a cup half filled to warm my hands. You'll never leave me, thank you for making me know you exist always.

This is not enough, this is not what I meant.

These dreams are spoiling my thoughts, and these endless notes are swimming in my vision. But not the way those raindrops are falling backwards, and the snakes in the carpet, the screaming of the walls that have heard too much heartbreak and secrecy...

Leap from the edge, jump.

I need your arms, your blanketing words. I am so glad there is not long now.