Wednesday, 24 September 2014

The Hidden Shades

Tipping stars into your glass, let's see you fill up with cheer and good feeling.
God only knows you've been looking for a change of the scenery. You can grab a paint brush and start with the ceiling. Brush out the cobwebs, let's get the view back in our lives. It might cost spoons, but elbow grease is a free commodity otherwise. Before we do the next room, we'll smash everything. Did you hear that it's therapeutic? Here's a bottle I filled with a societal oppression, whilst you may wish to really break this one into a million tiny pieces, could you possibly do it outside? We'll have none of that in here. But that's the bloody point, down and it comes hissing as the glass splinters and wisps of a quiet rage seep into all the hidden corners you never quite uncover.

Heaven, are you happier now? Excuse the backwards reference, you don't have to get them right to remind people of their significance. Maybe it's just trying to avoid the crippling economics of your lawsuit over mine in this cathedral of "laws and justice" who so rightfully uphold the peace and order. The claims court will have you for this. You shouldn't have let slip that you knew society was fucked. All you had to do was tap each clone on the shoulder, you'll know how awake they are instantly. How and not whether because we're creating a culture of many believing they practice what they preach when they remain so uninformed and refusing to open their open-closed eyes. Free your mind! 

Still, you look at the case and say to your lawyer, financially a mess - soulfully more intact than ever.

She's the mean scene queen, downing the pills and taking another swig from the bottle. Her laughter is her riff, whilst it shudders others about her wake. To give her credit, she at least speaks in absolutes where the rest of her life is a chaos of mystery. Rolling out the carpet, Entropy Queen, welcome home. She burnt black forevermore it - dropping a lit match, she never cared for that celebrity red anyway. The runway was set. Take off with no scheduled landing. This is how you go off the grid.

Can we ever escape this human condition?
Can we ever escape the mess we have made?
We continue to make.

A pause in this life!

What have we done? What have we done? What have we
This is so reminiscent of a breakdown.
Species: human, let me check you in. Your stay will be a minimum of 72 hours and whilst you are here you will be allowed no communications with any persons outside of our facility unless permitted by our head of staff. This will not happen. It has been brought to our attention that you are posing a danger to yourself, we'll take good care of you and ensure nothing happens. First swallow this -- what is it? Do not concern yourself, you will feel much more relaxed, that is once the nausea has worn off and you might go a little hazy. There you go, very good. Ah yes there you

And suddenly the camera is rolling again,
yesterday's news no longer relevant
that death no longer significant
we can try try try to make it
already moving on to the next injustice
we are so flawed
are we so flawed
do we so choose this
did the flaws pick us
maybe that's God's design
how about that
what do you make of this
lets be angry
lets br
Turn that fucking camera off the air n-..........................

Is it so tiring to be in and out of confusion. To tumble and not understand. To have to deal with every life event that presents itself to you.
I once heard a great writer's quote about the human condition which was along the lines of if there is one thing us humans surely are, we are truly resilient. We just survive in ways that surprise even ourselves. Despite everything that happens.

Still, are you not left wondering how true this statement is? What drives us forward? Selfishness, willing, kindness, rage or mindlessness. A many possibility belies this question. There is no answer. Not a singular one. We're too messy to be that organised. Surely.

I find myself more and more worried about the state of things. Things that are so much bigger. It pulls me into a deep sorrow that I do not shrug off, I don't know how to. I'm so sorry, there was such a determination to right something happy and it just descended into this. One last attempt to make you smile before the long walk home. Wear mittens, scarves and hats - you mustn't catch a cold. I will ask you no questions, nor you to me. Your sad ways are understood and no need to explain, just come bundle yourself here, we'll put warmth in those bones yet.
Let us just kiss like all those people do and forget ourselves a little longer. 
Fill yourself with the stars you are missing, feel more whole, perhaps.
Remember too, there is always goodness still.
Wherein love remains.

Friday, 5 September 2014


Anhedonia has overtaken. Old friend, supposedly. In love with our sadness, aren't we the sickos. Love let go, we told you so. Becoming pathetic, and we know it.

Take it all away. Take it.

Had it twisted, a mangled truth. That's not who I am. I damn the wish that I'd met you first.

Get to know me.
Do not become another person I have to censor my life to. There is joy in this. It starts with your arms. Come so close.

There should be more moments in which we feel so limitless. Ones where the world rushes by, even as you are standing still. How they will lift you up and your eyes swiftly roll back. You are lost and present in one small second. Sometimes it lasts longer. Oh, sensation! Your fingers are so light, soon realising that a tingling has spread all the way to the underside of your toes. Head spinning, pleasant syns. To be so supreme. Unending, the story goes on.

I want to discuss the world and the way there are so many problems. What are your solutions? Are you a fighter? Or do you not care that much? Where do you stand on the death of innocents by gunfire, is it who pulls the trigger or the weapon itself? I want to find out when sadness makes you tick. What it makes you feel. Not how or why. No one ever has to answer those, always a choice. Remind me of all the times we have walked hand in hand. Did you ever once regret it? Are you a believer in the fireworks that can erupt during kissing. Are you a believer in the magic of bonfire night itself, I ask myself if I could be with someone who didn't understand in my belief of that magic. Do you do everything with your whole being? Or would you believe that's living too much? Or not really living at all... I wonder at night the thoughts you think before you fall asleep. Do you go over just the past week or the whole year? Longer than that too, perhaps. Reminded of things you don't even remember living, not really. Do you believe that some nights can last forever? Have you ever thought about your dying, the thought of you not existing - not just for how that would be for others, but for yourself. Can you see the selfishness from both party lines? The city or great outdoors? Memories to me, apparent moments to you. Do you always want to stay the same or are you one to embrace change? If so, are you ever afraid you will change so much you aren't the same person you were happy with being. Or become a person you aren't proud of. Do you realise the importance of the person you love, being proud of you. And on that note what makes you proud of you. Is it the actions you do, your beliefs and opinions or the people you surround yourself with. Are you equally as proud as those around you, and are you sure that those people hold just as much love in their hearts? I like your thirst for knowledge. It seems to radiate from you, but so much so that I fall dumb when you ask me to pick your brain. I'm no vulture. I really have a thousand questions for you, they change all the time. So never worry, I won't run out. Just always answer yes, when I ask if you care. Because this, this is my ultimate saviour. Can you ever tell me that won't change? Would you tell me there were times when you would have truly believed that but no longer feel you can. Are you standing fast against the storm, determined anyway?

"..made from the sun you are, oh what a star you are.."

No longer the voice remains, fragments of laughter and snippets of words. I cannot make out the sound of your voice on our treasured 'three little words'. It is gone. Collapsing smiles from half moments linger. Have you chosen to release me without my own consent? To just no longer exist. Nothing dramatic you see, just a disappearance. To you, to everyone. You are fading, you are.

I suppose find peace, my love. Off to sleep now, dear heart, the stars are calling you home.