Monday, 10 March 2014

If You Wait

To spindly legs, tip tapping, down a very long road - seeming at times to be the longest road in the world with all those houses (all 44 of them). Balmy air (our favourite) that fills the evening, the smell you can't find a name for but it is softly pleasant and fits the tone of what is ahead well. The canvas above us has not yet faded from the blue of the day, transporting us back to the beauty of the west and the excitement that can be in store for this evening sunset.

You're both a little nervous, it has been a while. A while from this. Months of crossing little violet X's on the calendar. They stood out in a way that was not as final as the black or red markers that decide fate and future. Of course, only if you believe in that kind of thing. Go through your whole life holding little mantras - make one of them that actions don't necessarily have to define who you are, not for you, not ever.

Waiting so patiently and the occasional small smile. The evening began the moment it was planned, but it is only now that it feels real. As hands fumble and that is okay, finally. Arrive at old places that seem new. Night fading in from evening, you stop to watch it together, the sun waving you good lucks and smiling because he knows it will all be okay. She does too. It's just where to start. Both so comfortable in silence that it is hard to break the comfortable spell it casts. Sat so calmly, peacefully. Fancy dinners not really our scene but every so often it is so wonderful to find a space so unfamiliar but welcoming.

Candle set in place, perfectly in the middle. Move it aside and make space for the hands and focused eyes. Lit from the side by an unflickering, unfaultering interest. No need for flowers when we are growing so neatly together, woven stems and leaves straining towards the brightest light. One that was shut out for quite some time. Smiling turns into talking, the conversation so smooth and so easily - filling up glasses so neatly. Trickling laughter, turning radiant and natural. Hearts glowing, warm and beating red. The wine in our glasses barely drunk as the topics are too interesting to have time to swallow. Back and forth, then pause as we soak up the moment and order. Only realised now how ravenous our appetites. Not eaten this well for months and so enjoy every minute as much as every mouthful. Soul fed, body warmed, heart beating, butterflies flutter. Firework fuse to be lit - they say don't run with fire but the man with the burning torch is hurting towards that string, unable to wait for one moment longer. 

There's a determination that set both hearts a light again. Sometimes no ignition is required it just happens again and we are reminded of why love is so intrinsic, powerful, kind. Just gone elsewhere for a while, a necessity that whilst painful is a means for growth and even greater trust to blossom. Spring is coming soon, look for those cherry trees, soft pinks and whites that gently remind us of the beauty that we are to become. So much more is a head, we are golden. This was meant to be part of our journey. Of course, that is if you wait and want this too. I am so sure of you, of us.

My Mother bought me a calendar that offers one piece of advice for each day of the year. How fitting it is that today's should read this:
"Give your sweetheart a kiss that lasts a week."
I will endeavour to do more than that, I want to give you a lifetime, not just one week. This year is not our year, I can wait even with the brimming excitement. The pain comes and goes, but it is slowly fading and I am slowly sleeping a little better. It just takes time. Time that I do have to give to you. Let's not get a head of ourselves, that is what I remind myself of, we have a ways to go yet. We are miles away from the scene above. I will trust in time that we will meet again. Crossing those days off, an end for one and our rebirth. Nevertheless, you are my sweetheart in my own heart, and so Happy Birthday for today, you are so very loved X


  1. This was soul-tearingly beautiful.

    Love you so very, very much Mahiri <3

  2. You are so loved, remember that


Thank you for your words.