Sunday, 23 February 2014

Get Along

I always preferred the darkness to the light. Maybe that is why I always liked winter more than summer.

It's like I can feel little pieces of myself chipping away. And it's so odd because I'm sure it was you that so carefully glued them back. Was this always going to happen? You said you were going to protect me, always.
I love you, and you love me too (whether or not you can feel it or even bring yourself to say it right now), I'm believing for the both of us.
I hope you never forget me.

Apparently it is an entrenched part of the human condition that we must:
"to find real joy, must so too find real sorrow"
Without one, the other cannot truly exist. I believe there is maybe some small truth in this - for those that do truly believe to first acknowledge and then progressively accept this, maybe it is those of us that are broken that can believe that.
For many though I believe this is not to speak so true. Not all of us look so deep inside ourselves (and if possible in our souls), not all of us choose to dwell on pondering that fated state that it is to be living in the true human condition. We are ill from the day we are born, we will all die.
There are those that live in an ignorance, for it is not so pleasurable denial, believing that they can have one without the other - but where is their true measure? Do they believe empathy and a real education through social participation is enough?

Surely you would only be working from half the book - no final chapter? So, instead I have been living with the constant need to consider 'spoon theory'. The sadness of its accuracy, but should marvel at its ability to make others understand, somewhat.

How do we do this each day?
We just seem to.

I can't finish this in all the ways that my head is playing out the scenarios for me, there are too many and they are too fast. Some of them end too abruptly and some of them seem to tail off into nothing. You once said to me 'if you ever lose your tail you're done for', so what am I doing right now then without it?

"Everything in my body says no"
I am so against this, it's not just mentally, but physically manifested itself. Thought we'd already faced enough and now we were settled but at least together. This is going to be one long year.

I hope you never forget me.
Never do.


  1. ignorance is bliss, aye? i'm good at denial. too good. i think.
    i agree with what you say, though. i think you need to feel love to feel hate, like you need to feel sadness to know true happiness, i guess so we can be more appreciative of the good times when they come around

    for what it's worth, i don't think they'll ever forget you x

  2. God, I missed your words.

  3. I too am afraid of being forgotten, I'm glad I found your blog again x

  4. I remember what it was like to be happy but it stops there. For now I prefer darkness.

    / Avy

  5. Darkness is comforting. I like it.

    Prefer autumn the most though. YAY ITS STARTING!

    How can you know what true joy is if you've never had the agonies of sadness to compare it to?

    I will never ever EVER forget you Mhairi. I hope you can find a better glue this time. I think that sometimes when we break apart it is to lose pieces that were never supposed to be included (Or re-included) in the first place. It's only by being totally shattered that we can fully separate the unwanted pieces from the rest of our self.

    Love you so much. Take care of yourself, ok?



Thank you for your words.