Monday, 3 February 2014
Battle For The Sun
Usually I have a place for things like this. They stay hidden away in my thought log (diary wouldn't be accurate as half the time I'm not sure I remember writing the stuff in it). It's not really hidden. I don't care so much if anyone should read it; but saying that there is this lingering dread that they'd feel the need to act, rather than simply listen. Which is sometimes the most powerful thing in the world that you can do. Be careful if you tread further.
I wrote this months ago, I've never needed to read my own words in this way before.
I've been talking to you again, so much and you need to get out of my life. I hate that I can't get rid of you. I will find a way to get you out. You've only come back because things have been harder. You've only come back because you lodged yourself so deeply that my brain now uses you as a psychological weapon of mass destruction against me. Because that's the funny thing about mental illness. It's that whilst everything is overwhelming and happening at once, it's as though you tell yourself that nothing is happening. You're okay enough to get through it. Sometimes that is enough, but you evil piece of scum (especially you among the other wrong-doers), you need to get out now.
I feel fairly horrendous that I can think of so many ways in which this can be taken. I'm also 99% certain most (read: near all) others would not jump to some of those conclusions. I also dislike that while I spent the initial few seconds on hearing this thinking it was a lovely sentiment that it was so quickly twisted. I then reminded that it was not the first time I'd heard it therefore it wasn't as new. But you know what, fuck you brain. I literally couldn't give two fucks about what you're trying to do with this because the FACT IS I thought of something positive first. You of all will understand how indescribable that is, a rare occasion indeed. I'm winning this inside, you cannot take that away from me. Even if it's not showing on the outside for Sam or anyone else to see I am winning so that's a big fuck you. Stop playing the game and get on board that we're living not just surviving and observing anymore. There are reasons to partake now, and I'm getting to this point where I can say that I feel safe and okay and consistent and loved and happy. I will refuse to be your dolly of tricks, I've been her for not just you but others and now I know what I want and it's not that or this. It's my life. I might not know where I am going and I may also not handle things well sometimes and I might be a complete pain-in-the-ass more often than desired but I am so happy.
I don't need sex to make things okay no matter what you think. I don't need to be alone to run away, I have someone that comes with me and gets it. I don't believe that I'm a bad person under it all. I have spent so much of my life trying to be not only enough but more than that. Kinder, generous, calmer, diplomatic, charismatic, clever, well read, nicer, happier and better. Always better. But the funny thing is I realise that actually while we can all always do better, we're already doing enough. Most of the time anyway. Enough to be considered a decent human being who deserves to find out and share in love and smile freely and not be trapped in a body that focuses only on breathing day to day.
There are any number of reasons that could pin down or accumulate to why I have been as I have but I'm really realising how little that is going to matter to me for moving on right now. I don't need to know because I know some terrible things have happened. I lived through them, I felt the emotions they created and the aftermath of each. I might have not stepped up and stopped things before I did but I'm not the first to do that and it doesn't make me a worse person for doing something later rather than sooner. The important thing is knowing how I feel right now is so very far away from then, it's amazing and if I'm honest, dizzying - I've sat and thought I'd never make it out from under there.
I may not be the most independent person, but from outside turns of events I am unable to say that while things have not been always brilliant, they have also sometimes been my fault. For which I accept responsibility, fully.
All in all I am aware that while this stuff may make me feel less fantastical sometimes, that's okay because I know you are losing and I am winning. Overall, I will win my happy ending and that is what keeps me going.
p.s. to me for later: it feels weird writing stuff like this on here please please please remember your thought log next time."
I also found this:
For a very long time.
Keep telling yourself it's not happening all over again. But it's that time of year and the water is so near.
"Keep me awake, I've been loosing myself, I've been lost in the dark, is there anybody else?""
Every year, this comes back, fresh into my mind. I don't know if it will ever fade completely. Sometimes it's further away, less real and more memory.
To the abusers that seemingly change you, you will always be better than them. You are so much stronger than you even realise, I promise that to you.
It's taken me years to realise that, but I do now. And I will fight this every minute I can muster the strength to do so. I have a wonderful friend that always tells me I'm the most selfless person she knows. Now it is time for me to be able to work on myself.