Heart palpitations. Shakes filling the space between the floor and tiles. You feel it in your hands first. The sensation of deprivation sinking in, lassoing the ropes around your arteries and double knot, pulled tight. Control taken. Pathetic fallacy impossible, so the imagination takes over. Thunderstorms and lightning. The combination that makes you do things once thought to be on the brink of something else. She makes me beg, forces flexibility, performance to be perfect. Screams and shrieking. You forget that you belong to anywhere, let alone to anyone. Wonder at the scale of everything. Selfish. Always wrong. You never know honesty, but it silently keeps punching. Constantly playing defence. One breath is different from the next, the change of pace is unbearable. Break the surface and let me into the world you're all in, it seems so much less confusing. Yet horribly real all the same. Tears pour but the sudden relief turns to burning, "you are pathetic, your weakness is disgusting." Over and over I listen to her. Feeling buried alive in the sanctuary that was sleep. They just keep on falling over and over. Hands make no combat. Can't fight the inevitable. The tracks are never straight, it is suddenly calm. Dizzy and sick.
We are so many tiny pieces.