Still Life

This is a post that I wasn't originally going to publish, but I am guessing it is quite important.


I have to write this now because the ephemeral nature of a blog is typically not good for someone who clearly needs constant reminding. After spending the majority of these days asleep - looking at the calendar it says something about it being Wednesday which means I can't remember anything between now and walking down a long road to catch a bus on Sunday. I woke up with clear vision. No oblique or colourless vision just straight and clear at my very badly painted ceiling. I found myself thinking I was years before but just as old. Everything and nothing has changed. I was all full of brimming merriment. I had wonderful things to say - I still do. I could feel the claws of a smile smudging on to my face. That laugh. Yes, it was back. Uncontrollable and joyous laughter. I thought about all of the memories - because I could! I want to call them. I have all these stories and I have things to tell you about my day. I want to hear about your day. Tell me what it was like on your holiday, what films have you seen recently - would you recommend them? My goodness, I haven't been out for that long! It was as if it was every night - on the clock - just like when we used to call and not have a care in the world and every worry all the same. We were concerned about the completely insignificant but so seemingly important, then. I would have a thousand questions to ask you! Life was moving. I remembered music, dancing and the conversations we'd have sat up all night. I remember the beauty of Soviets and how important it was, maybe is?
It made me sorry because it was then I realised everything I must be putting everyone through. It's as if I'm seeing it all for the first time. Why was it that I couldn't remember anything? What had I done to them? And why was there glue where the blinds connected to the window sill? I just knew that calling wasn't okay. There were barriers. Sleep was going to be my only way back down but I wouldn't let it, I told myself not to let it go. To try and hold on to it for just a few more hours. I fought for this, and you wouldn't understand that. Please don't tell me you 'do'. I don't understand how I can smile while composing this, but I think it's some kind of sign. I don't want meals out, I definitely don't want you to spoil green tea with the murky subject of minds. Guess work is not fit for stability. Gah, this doesn't make any sense and I know it. It's easier to lie.
So that is why I am here now. Writing this to apologise to you. My phone battery is mainly removed now and much else is a reminder of life I don't seem to fit into. But don't lie to me, you haven't all been trying to contact me constantly. Right now we can both know that. When I hear your conversations through the walls directly about me or see the looks in your eyes, I get that you would rather not. I doubt I would. Understand instead. I don't want to "talk". I won't. I am not "ill". I can't be. I don't know what I want though so it would be useless asking me. Don't put your blames on me and don't tell me you are scared; I won't remember and I don't want that to hurt you. I can be direct now but I would usually just say nothing. There are so many other things I want to say but I have other things I need to do while I can see with all this beautiful colour. It's never going to be my deserving turn to be selfish 'but', when you've forgotten who this is: For all my love, I am sorry that you have to know this person.

"Oh, these times are hard, yeah they're making us crazy."