Wednesday, 26 January 2011

Still Life

This is a post that I wasn't originally going to publish, but I am guessing it is quite important.

I have to write this now because the ephemeral nature of a blog is typically not good for someone who clearly needs constant reminding. After spending the majority of these days asleep - looking at the calendar it says something about it being Wednesday which means I can't remember anything between now and walking down a long road to catch a bus on Sunday. I woke up with clear vision. No oblique or colourless vision just straight and clear at my very badly painted ceiling. I found myself thinking I was years before but just as old. Everything and nothing has changed. I was all full of brimming merriment. I had wonderful things to say - I still do. I could feel the claws of a smile smudging on to my face. That laugh. Yes, it was back. Uncontrollable and joyous laughter. I thought about all of the memories - because I could! I want to call them. I have all these stories and I have things to tell you about my day. I want to hear about your day. Tell me what it was like on your holiday, what films have you seen recently - would you recommend them? My goodness, I haven't been out for that long! It was as if it was every night - on the clock - just like when we used to call and not have a care in the world and every worry all the same. We were concerned about the completely insignificant but so seemingly important, then. I would have a thousand questions to ask you! Life was moving. I remembered music, dancing and the conversations we'd have sat up all night. I remember the beauty of Soviets and how important it was, maybe is?
It made me sorry because it was then I realised everything I must be putting everyone through. It's as if I'm seeing it all for the first time. Why was it that I couldn't remember anything? What had I done to them? And why was there glue where the blinds connected to the window sill? I just knew that calling wasn't okay. There were barriers. Sleep was going to be my only way back down but I wouldn't let it, I told myself not to let it go. To try and hold on to it for just a few more hours. I fought for this, and you wouldn't understand that. Please don't tell me you 'do'. I don't understand how I can smile while composing this, but I think it's some kind of sign. I don't want meals out, I definitely don't want you to spoil green tea with the murky subject of minds. Guess work is not fit for stability. Gah, this doesn't make any sense and I know it. It's easier to lie.
So that is why I am here now. Writing this to apologise to you. My phone battery is mainly removed now and much else is a reminder of life I don't seem to fit into. But don't lie to me, you haven't all been trying to contact me constantly. Right now we can both know that. When I hear your conversations through the walls directly about me or see the looks in your eyes, I get that you would rather not. I doubt I would. Understand instead. I don't want to "talk". I won't. I am not "ill". I can't be. I don't know what I want though so it would be useless asking me. Don't put your blames on me and don't tell me you are scared; I won't remember and I don't want that to hurt you. I can be direct now but I would usually just say nothing. There are so many other things I want to say but I have other things I need to do while I can see with all this beautiful colour. It's never going to be my deserving turn to be selfish 'but', when you've forgotten who this is: For all my love, I am sorry that you have to know this person.

"Oh, these times are hard, yeah they're making us crazy."


  1. you don't have to apologize.
    you really do not.

  2. Hi Mhairi, I've just come across your blog. I only had time to skim through a few posts but I want to say that I love how wonderfully honest you are. It saddens me you've felt as you have, but I sense a beautiful soul beneath any darkness you may feel.

    I have Friday off and am bookmarking your blog to return to when I have more time. You're well worth knowing, certainly more so than I do presently. I find your writing wonderful, captivating.

    In your profile you've written, "Don't give up on me baby." I hope you won't ever give up on yourself. :)

  3. I just got your comment Mhairi, thank you so much for your wonderful words! I've been looking through some more of your blog this morning.

    Please do let us know how you're feeling, I realize I don't yet know you but your post on Wednesday left me a bit concerned. I tend to worry sometimes, but I prefer to think of it as caring. :)

    Thank you for following me, I'm happy to do the same. And if there's ever something you want to know about me please feel free to drop me a line, anytime.

  4. you have a really good blog here, and you're a brilliant writer. new follower, dear. x

  5. Oooooooh, your archive is going to lead me into temptation and procrastination. :D Yay!

    Thank you for the new music and the awesome comment <3

    I love sitting and watching it rain. We spent an entire fortnight at Wainakarua when it just pissed down constantly. I sat on the porch the whole 2 weeks watching it rain on the bush and the bellbirds.

    We'll wake up from the nightmare and brush the cobwebs of evil dreams away and see the new sun.


Thank you for your words.